What Scares You the Most
by its'nayamarierivera'bitch
Summary: ONESHOT! "No one's going to fucking leave until we find Brittany." She growled, her voice weren't the normal Lima Heights bitch tone she used to use. The mixture of fear, guilt and anger dwelling inside her causing the octave depth of her voice to startle everyone. ONESHOT! BRITTANA!


**A/N: This happens to be a oneshot. And this happens to be my first rated M story too. Damn.**

Santana held the sheets even tighter when the light irritating sound continuously blared through her ears. She slightly adjusted her vision – it's barely 5 in the morning and they needed to be ready at exact 6 she propped her elbow carefully tapping the alarm clock off, careful not to prod the blonde haired girl cuddled beside her before slowly returning to her usual position.

Santana let a tight lip smile play along her plump lips as she stare at the blonde beside her, blonde locks sprawled all over the pillow, pale hands gripping the warm sheets, and those little reflexes she does every time the Latina's breath hit her cheeks. Santana slowly brought her hand by Brittany's forehead to swat some hair that lingers along her brows making the taller girl snuggle even more and causing Santana giggle a little.

Their warm naked bodies creating the most satisfying warmth and playing a little flashback of what happened last night. Santana continued stroking Brittany's hair as she can feel the blonde's continuous breaths hit her collarbone causing her lips to release a light moan. Santana audibly sighed when she felt the warm breathing altered to short pecks followed by another and another. The brunette can't help but lost her fingers in blonde locks and run her fingertips over the pale neck pushing it even closer to her when she felt those pecks turned to nipping and sucking.

"_Hmmmp_. B-Britt." She moaned lowly, she let out a small gasp as Brittany continued her assault on her neck. Brittany smirked as she lightly ran her tongue along the Latina's jawline leaving a wet trail before kissing her way up to Santana's face.

Brittany unconsciously licked her bottom lip when Santana's warm breath got even ragged, she let out a small snicker when Santana almost leant forward their lips were mere inches apart but the blonde returned to kissing the tanned neck as she can feel the tightening grip of the Latina's finger on her blonde locks making her moan in response.

Light moans and small gasps filled the still dark room, the small sipping of light from the window produces that amazing glow of their bare shoulders. Brittany dragged her fingers by the Latina's small waist and smirked as the Latina's abs clench every time she ran the pad of her thumb over the sensitive skin.

"Br-Britt, w-we ca-can't." Santana all but stuttered, Brittany's smirk grew even wider when Santana's action is obviously contradicting her words as the Latina's hands made its way to the blonde's breast, giving it a light squeeze.

Brittany mirrored her girlfriend's action palming and squeezing the Latina's breast gaining the most heavenly sound from Santana's mouth. She even rolled the sensitive bud by her thumb and pointer finger as she continued her assault on Santana's neck, nipping and sucking on the brunette's pulse point. And that's what all it took for Santana to order Brittany's head hover her and crash their lips together into a waited, heated and needed kiss, their tongues battling for dominance.

Its Brittany's lips turn to form an O-shape when her fingertips made contact with warm and slick heat radiating from Santana's lower half sending an immense arousal between her pale legs. Santana audibly gasp at the sudden contact, she can now feel the obvious wetness pooling between her legs.

"So wet, baby." Brittany muttered between frantic kisses, slowly running her fingertips between the Latina's folds, the intoxicating scent reaching her nose making her spurred her movements along with the continuous breathy moans from her girlfriend.

She lightly brushed her thumb over the sensitive nub before creating an up and down rhythm just like the way Santana likes it. Brittany lowered her head and peppered Santana's collarbone with feather light kisses, she used her free hand to knead and squeeze the Latina's breast, she took a peek on her girlfriend and she almost came at the sight. Santana's head thrown back in abandon, her mouth slightly ajar whilst she got her eyes tightly shut. Brittany hummed in approval and closed her lips over Santana's nipple whilst kneading on the other. She continued flicking over the sensitive bud until it was on its stiffest. Santana groaned before tugging Brittany up to her connecting their lips once again.

"Br-Britt, fu-fuck. Pl-please don't s-stop." Santana pleaded. Brittany shoved her tongue between the Latina's mouth devouring the sweet taste of her girlfriend on her pre orgasmic state as she continuously rubbed her sensitive nub. Starting from light circles before slowly dipping her pointer finger onto the Latina's depth and run it back to Santana's throbbing clit causing Santana to throw her head back and let out a small whimper.

"S-so good. _Hmmm_." The Latina sighed before bringing her forearm by her mouth biting her own flesh to stifle her moans. "I-Inside." Santana can't even manage to kiss back as her breathing got uneven.

Brittany subtly nodded as she bury her head onto the Latina's neck peppering the soft skin with butterfly kisses, constantly poking her tongue before sucking on it hard. Santana's whimpers of pleasure grew even louder when Brittany's lips made contact with the sensitive skin beneath the Latina's ear.

"Oh God, Brittany." The brunette shuddered before bringing her hands by the blonde's bare back clawing on the pale skin. Brittany slowly reposition her fingers towards the brunette's entrance making Santana bit her lower lip in anticipation. Her finger automatically sheath inside the Latina's core filling the whole room with a satisfied sigh.

Brittany continued pumping a single digit, slick noises filled the empty room. She added another finger when Santana's hand grip on her wrist as it sends a message, Santana's walls automatically convulsed and tightened around Brittany's fingers, and that's what all it took for Santana let another moan be torn on the back of her throat, not minding her friends from the other rooms might hear her. This feels way too good to ignore and stifle.

"So c-close baby. _Ugh_ k-keep g-going." Santana moaned even louder, Brittany smirked as she used the pad of her thumb to rub tight circles around the Latina's sensitive nub, thinking this will send the other girl on the edge. "I'm cumming. Don't stop." Santana managed to choke out as her body spasm with the immense pleasure.

"I love you so much." Brittany whispered onto the Latina's ear as she increased her pace wanting her girlfriend to reach that euphoria. "Come for me, San." She muttered in a low sensual voice biting on the other girl's earlobe.

"Fuck… Brittany."

Few more thrust and three more flicks on her throbbing clit, Santana let out a long and breathy moan as her body shook uncontrollably, her hip continuously canting upwards as she rode out her orgasm. It last way too long than normal as it set her every nerve on fire causing her to push Brittany even closer to her body their heartbeats almost as one, the way her head spin as the pleasure course through her body, her toes curling in ecstasy its addicting.

Brittany slowed her fingers before brushing her fingers on the Latina's still throbbing clit to send a massive aftershock jolting her body and using her free hand onto Santana's forehead swatting the brown locks as she kissed the Latina softly, Santana can even barely kiss as her body still pulsates in such pleasure. Brittany nudged her nose against Santana's before looking deep in those chocolate brown eyes.

"I lo- _Fuck._" Santana muttered lowly as she run her fingers over Brittany's cheek but she didn't even finish her words when the loud banging on their door blared startling the two of them followed by Quinn's voice.

"You guys done?" Quinn asked boringly on the other side of the door.

"Done with what?" Santana asked innocently as she moved swiftly towards the bathroom door, grabbing her shirt from last night and motioned Brittany to follow her trance.

"You know that everybody can practically hear you and Britt doing… adult things, right?" Quinn asked awkwardly as she fidgeted on the hem of her summer dress. "You know what forget it. Be down at six, the bus it's on its way."

Santana smirked as she heard the fading footsteps on the wooden floor before latching her arms around the blonde's waist rubbing small circles on the small of her back.

"Your turn, baby." She muttered lustfully and buried her head onto the pale neck sucking on the blonde's pulse point gaining a soft and low moan.

"No more round two guys. Please! We're gonna be late!" Quinn yelled and banged on their door making Santana giggle and push her girlfriend inside the bathroom.

"That's why it's called quickie, Q! And stop listening! You're such a pervert!" Santana yelled back before purposely banging the bathroom door making the other blonde girl frown and head downstairs.

* * *

"I'm so excited." Rachel yelled as she shimmies in her seat and continuously poking her head onto the bus's window, the cold wind whipping onto her face.

"You've never been to a beach, Rach?" Finn asked innocently. Rachel just rolled her eyes in response before averting her attention back to the window.

Brittany quirked a brow when she saw Santana staring at the window boringly, ear buds securely placed on her other ear, whilst the other lowly hang by her shoulder in case the blonde talked. Brittany bit her lower lip before nudging the brunette's shoulder and smiled at her girlfriend widely.

"I'm bored." Santana stated firmly.

Brittany stuck out her lower lip making the brunette's lips to form a tight lip smile. "It'll be worth it." The blonde said, Santana just rolled her eyes and eyed her girlfriend dully. Brittany continued pouting as she dragged her finger's on the brunette's forearm.

Santana smiled widely before leaning and pecking the other girl on the lips, Brittany's pout automatically formed into a wide grin as she rest her forehead against the smaller girl. "It'll be worth it?" Santana asked endearingly.

Brittany furiously nodded before returning the peck and muttered. "It'll be. I promise."

Santana stuck the earbuds back to her ear before her eyes wandered the bus. Puck , Mike and Sam continuously laughing as they played the deck of cards whilst Rory just stared at them confusedly. Mercedes, Quinn and Tina had their bikinis on either of their hands as they told different shits about it. Sugar had her sunglasses placed over her frame, pretty sure she's asleep whilst she got Artie beside her playing his iPad and continuously babbling about he reached another level. And well Blaine and Kurt lovers as ever -hand in hand, out and proud.

Santana just closed her eyes and leant her head onto Brittany's shoulder before dozing the volume of her iPod, the blonde's continuous breathing calming her every nerves sending her into the dreamland.

Brittany said it'll be worth it.

Then for sure it'll be.

* * *

It's barely 3 in the afternoon when the Glee club reached their destination. Everybody has been excitedly shimmying in their seats as the salty wind almost reaching their taste buds. Their shouts and hollers got even wilder when the bus came into a halt in front of a vintage yet classical cabin. Everybody can hear the most awaited sound of waves, behind it there's the point of why they go here- beach!

"Summer be ready for Puckasaurus here!" Puck yelled excitedly when the ignition completely turned off and the door opened. Gaining everybody's excited chattering as they made their way onto the door.

"Wow." Santana plainly stated as her eyes bulged out. Brittany smiled widely and tightened her grip on her girlfriend's tanned hand whilst she got her suitcase on the other.

"Yea. Wow. Told you, it'll be worth it." Brittany whispered adoringly against Santana's ear making the other girl shiver.

"Prove it." Santana breathed challengingly as she sent Brittany a wink. "And oh! I think I owe you something." She added as she ran the tip of her tongue along her lower lip. Brittany almost swallowed her tongue at the sight of her girlfriend if it wasn't the fact that they were here outside the cabin and the rest of the glee club members were making their way out the bus then she would take Santana right here right now.

She subtly composed herself before swallowing dryly and tug Santana inside the cabin, where Rachel and Kurt has been arguing who should get the larger room.

"What are you guys arguing about?" Santana asked innocently as she altered her eyes between the pair.

Kurt and Rachel continued babbling and pointed on the room beside them in unison. Santana just nodded before dragging Brittany inside the said and room and closed the door shut gaining the confused look from her two friends.

"Santana this is not cool." Kurt yelled as he banged on the wooden door, making Brittany giggle and sluggishly placed her suitcase beside Santana's and slumping onto the bed.

It was indeed large- the wooden walls making it more traditional yet elegant looking , it has its own bathroom by the corner, a large window that has a perfect view of the beach and a queen sized bed in the middle. Few paintings posted on each corner along with the small frames of permits and stuff.

"I'm just doing you guys some favour. See? No more argument. You're welcome." Santana simply stated as she poke her head and give the obviously pissed Rachel and Kurt a shrug. They both rolled her eyes and parted ways leaving Santana's smirk reaching her ears. She slowly closed the door and head to the bed where Brittany had her feet lazily hanging on the corner of the bed.

Without second thought she crawled onto the bed and straddled Brittany's hips and hastily reached for the blonde's pale hands and pinned it over her head. Brittany just giggle as their eyes locked, the brunette got her lower lip between her teeth as she looked at her girlfriend like she was memorizing and analysing every single detail the blonde's face has.

This is pretty embarrassing for Santana hasn't yet done anything yet she found herself getting flushed. Her cheeks were probably crimson red right now and her ears it's burning. Santana just continued staring at her- her brows furrowed and her lip probably bruising- Brittany pulled off her hands before bringing it over the Latina's thighs and giving it a light squeeze.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Santana bashfully placed her hand by her chest as she played with her fingers contemplating the right answers her lips would spill.

"Hey Santana can I borrow your- _Oh Fuck_!" They both snapped their head onto the door when it suddenly flew open revealing Quinn with her awkward look and she immediately swung the door closed.

"Borrow my what?" Santana asked back and completely got off Brittany and made her way towards her suitcase. Brittany just stared at her girlfriend before bringing her hands by her forehead, all of a sudden she felt dizzy.

"Seriously? We weren't even here for 15 minutes and you guys were already at that?"

"Borrow my what?" Santana repeated with a higher tone and completely open the door revealing Quinn's cheeks pink and she got her hand on her blonde locks.

Brittany let out a small giggle before taking a deep breath and made her way towards her own suitcase. "We're not even doing anything Q, don't worry."

"Oh." Quinn muttered lowly as she adjusted the strap of her bikini. "Can I borrow your sunblock? I forgot mine."

Santana just fished the bottle out of her things before handing it to Quinn took a deep sigh.

"Thanks." Quinn cheered and walked out the door.

Brittany mirrored Santana's actions as she brought out her own bikini and securely placed it by the bed. "San, are you okay?" she asked breaking the silence.

Santana just nodded and walked towards her pecking the blonde on the forehead and spun around. "I'm gonna go change."

* * *

"Have you seen Santana?" Brittany thoughtfully asked Mercedes who got her sunglasses securely placed over her head as she scans the magazine in her hands.

When she went out the bathroom door minutes ago her girlfriend weren't there to be found. The brunette's clothes were neatly folded on the corner of the bed. So Brittany hastily grabbed her aviators and her journal before heading towards the beach.

Everybody is already there, continuous laughter and screeching filled the whole place making her smile in return. The cold sand played along her feet as she roamed the shore. For sure Santana got to be here.

"With Sam." Mercedes simply answered and nodded onto the far most corner of the shore, she can barely see her girlfriend but she can quite make it out that it was indeed Santana with a surfboard tucked in her arms. She let out a sigh of relief before adjusting the lid of her own glasses.

She muttered a low thank you before walking towards the nearest sunlounger and slumped down. Thank God, the sun weren't that high so she doesn't need to put some sun cream and stuff. She took a one last glance on her girlfriend before opening her journal and pulled the pen tucked beside it. Few more pages were left, this journal has been with her since freshmen year, everything about Santana and her is here-written.

April 25th

_I think there something Santana wanted to tell me usually with one look I would automatically know what she would like to say… but this time I can't read her. _She started.

Brittany took a deep breath and returned her eyes back to her girlfriend who has been laughing audibly whilst he got Sam running after her.

_Whatever it is though, I don't care. I have Santana. She's with me. Only thing I know is that I love her._

* * *

It's barely 5 in the afternoon and the air is colder compared earlier. Santana's breathing still uneven as she slumped down beside Brittany.

Brittany giggled before offering a piece of towel beside her and Santana hummed before grabbing it and dab it onto her wet body.

"You're right Britt. It's totally worth it." Santana panted before leaning her back against the chair and crossed her feet. She eyed the blonde who got her eyes plastered on her journal as she scribbled away. "What's that?" Santana asked curiously as she tried to peek on it but Brittany automatically closed it and placed it over her lap.

"My journal." Brittany simply answered.

"I don't know you keep one of those."

"Then I guess… there are a lot of things you don't know about me." Brittany answered confidently gaining Santana to pout at her.

"Can I read it?" she asked sweetly.

"Nope."

"Why not? Isn't those things were made to be read?"

"Guess so. But not for now though."

"Then …when?" Santana asked and flickered her lashes onto her girlfriend.

"Soon."

Santana continued pouting before running her hands through her still wet brown locks, thinking of something she could do so that Brittany will allow her to read some of it.

"So when did you at least started writing those stuff?"

Brittany hummed in response as she tried to scan the first pages of the journal. "Freshmen year." She plainly stated.

"Freshmen year? And I don't know about it? I'm hurt." Santana muttered dramatically whilst Brittany just playfully stuck out her tongue mockingly. "Then what's it all about?"

"You."

"Me?"

"Yeah. From the first page up to the last is about you. From the first day we met, until we fell in love and up to now, were talking. How I fall in love with you. Stuff I love and hate about you. Everything is about you."

"Wow. I didn't know you were that obsessed about me." Santana teased.

"I'd prefer you calling it 'I'm in love with you since the first day.' Obsession." Brittany retorted.

Santana just stared at her as she tried to absorb what Brittany was saying.

"Sorry." She finally stated before swallowing dryly. "So what are you writing right now?"

Brittany beamed excitedly before opening the journal and flipped few pages until the last one. "How I would design our house right after we got married in New York, I mean I wish that by that time it'll be legal here in Lima but whatever the most important thing is that we'll get married." She said happily, clasping her hands together as she looked at the sunset dreamily. "I want a big window by the bedroom so that right after I open my eyes it's either your beautiful face or the beautiful sunrise will greet me. Then I want a large kitchen so that I could cook anything you want and I'll make you cakes and stuff. A little garden where the little me and little you would play. A little garage and hardware by the corner, cause I know how much you love your car. A small studio where I'll teach our children to dance and where you can also teach them to sing and play the piano. Then-" Brittany didn't even managed to finish her sentence when Santana let out a loud sigh and her palms placed over her damp forehead. "Am I going too fast?" Brittany asked as she held the brunette's forearm and giving it a squeeze.

Santana just shook her head before facing Brittany and smiled awkwardly. "No… it's just… um… marriage?" she stuttered.

"Yes, is there something wrong?"

"Nothing… it's just…"

"You never thought of us walking down the aisle-" Brittany asked slowly. "-don't you?"

"I don't… I mean I did… it's just were just 18 and you're thinking about getting married." Santana uneasily chuckled.

"Whatever happen we're reaching the age that we need to get married San."

Santana fidgeted the towel before coughing lightly. "I know."

"Then what's wrong?"

It took a minute before Santana took a deep breath and closed her eyes before lowering her hand and intertwined her fingers with the blonde's.

"You know that I'm not yet out to my parents, right?" her voice went out small and fragile. The glee club may know everything about her and Brittany but the fact that her parents still have no idea about her real sexuality scares her. Plus the fact that her dad is a homophobe, well her mom might be accepting and all but she's pretty sure the older Latina would be very disappointed of her for what she is and what she'll be.

"And I told you, I wanted to help you." Brittany mumbled as gave the Latina's hand a loving squeeze.

"Your parents weren't the same with mine, B."

"I know they would understand. They love you."

"I hope so."

"You know that I'll be here with you, right? Then we'll graduate together, you'll be a lawyer slash singer then I'll be a professional choreographer or an astronaut or whatever, then by that we'll get married then we'll have babies." Brittany stated excitedly her smile can't be written off. "That's how much I love you, San." She breathed before pulling Santana's hand over her chest. "I mean… you love me too, right?" Brittany chuckled but shortly cut off when Santana just kept herself from talking.

Santana just bit her lower lip, the lump in her throat forming. Her heart roaring as the pounding of it getting louder. Everything went blurry, and she can feel the holes that Brittany that has been burning onto her head.

"Do you love me, San?"

Santana swallowed dryly, she can feel Brittany's grip on her hand loosened suddenly her palms damp as a river her head spinning along with the thumping of her chest. The pressure it's just way too much!

"Santana?"

It's what all it took for Santana to fling her feet and walked away, leaving confused and teary eyes of Brittany. She automatically brought the back of her hand by her eyes and brushed the tears that already escaped.

* * *

Santana just let her feet dragged her away, she reached this small gazebo by the far most corner of the seaside, she even lost the track of time and it's obviously dark and it's fucking cold her arms were about to fell off.

"Fucking stupid!" she screamed on the top of her lungs. It's fucking cold but she just ignored it, what the fuck is she even thinking? Of course she loves Brittany! The blonde is her fucking life! She would instantly die if Brittany will disappear.

Instead what? She fucking walked away! For God sake! That's what your good at Santana! Walking out and showing nothing but your weakness. And now Brittany thinks you don't love her back. That's just great! Way too awesome to start the summer.

"Fucking stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" she continuously yelled as she made her way back to their cabin. "Just tell her, you love her. Say sorry and have an amazing make up sex." She told herself, smirking on the inside as the thought of the last deed absorbed her mind.

She knit her brows together and increased her pace as she can hear the continuous panicking voices of Rachel and Quinn. She ignored the cold wind whipping by her face as she made her way onto the seashore.

She eyed everybody bewilderedly when her eyes landed on worried looks written all over their faces. Even Puck is walking back and forth as he ran his hands through his mohawk. Mercedes has her phone plastered on her ear as she continued babbled incoherent words. Sugar and Artie have their arms around each other a piece of cloth draped over their half-naked bodies. Quinn and Rachel talking to a guy wearing an officer outfit increasing the worry inside her. She roamed her eyes looking for Brittany, and her chest automatically tightened when the blonde is nowhere to be found.

She immediately made her way towards them as she looked side by side waiting for the sudden of appearance of her girlfriend. "Where's Brittany?" she asked worriedly as she held Quinn's forearm.

"Where were you Santana?" Quinn asked tensely.

"I said… where's Brittany?" Santana repeated with the same tone Quinn used.

She can feel all the eyes on her igniting the anxiousness inside her. Everybody just continued exchanging meaningful looks gaining the Latina's rage to overcome her senses. "Speak up!" she yelled.

"Brittany- she's… missing." Quinn whispered.

* * *

"What the fuck happen?" Santana impatiently asked as she gripped Quinn's hand her dear life depending on it.

"I swear to God, Santana. She was there, I even asked her where were you, then I saw her crying, the-"

"She was crying?" Santana asked almost inaudible, suddenly her hands felt clammy.

Of course Brittany's crying, and it's all because of her, and now she's missing.

"Did you guys fight or something?" Quinn inquired as she tried to look for the Latina's brown orbs. Santana just kept her head down though fidgeting the hem of the piece of cloth in her hands.

"Then… ? What happened?" Quinn just bit her lower lip as she tried to contemplate the next thing that happens. It's better not to ask Santana about things like this.

"Then, she said you left. I tried consoling her, she just asked me to leave her alone and I did. And I'm fucking stupid to do that!" Quinn let out a chocked sigh and placed her palm by her forehead. "Then I went inside the cabin to get her some water, after few minutes… She's gone."

Santana can't help but her tears started to fall, the lump in her throat is way too big to be swallowed, she let out a small sigh as her eyes continued to water, she automatically dabbed her tears with her hand as she tried to listen to Quinn's words.

"Then everyone panicked… Everybody tried looking for her… everywhere."

All of them were still panicking as the place got darker, Rory and Mike started a little bonfire by the middle of the shore whilst everyone tried to produce some warmth. Tina has already started crying as she clung to Mike's shirt, Mercedes and Sam talking to few other people helping the cost guards.

"Miss, it's getting dark. It'll be dangerous for everyone if the search team would continue searching by the sea." The middle aged man said.

Everything went mute as the man's word gone her ears, she can feel the tightening grip of Quinn and Rachel against her shoulder but the rage automatically coiled inside her imagining the possible things that could happen.

Her arms went autopilot gripping the man's collar with her shaking fingers. She can't even think straight all she knows is that Brittany should be in here.

With her.

"No one's going to fucking leave until we find Brittany." She growled, her voice weren't the normal Lima Heights bitch she used to use. The mixture of fear, guilt and anger dwelling inside her causing the octave depth of her voice startling everyone and causing Sam to grab her by the waist and tried to calm her down.

The dirty blonde haired man furiously nodded as he made his way back to the team.

"Brittany." Santana pleaded as her tears continued rolling down her cheeks, she can't even manage to care if everybody could see the weak part of her, the strong and the broad walls inside her starting to fell down along with the deafening sound of the waves.

She can't even understand what were Sam's soothing words mean whilst he grip Santana with his muscular arms, Santana groaned even louder as her lips mumbled incoherent Spanish words, and her remaining strength being washed away. If they can't find her then she has to do something.

At least she has to do something.

"Fucking let go!" Santana utter feebly, the last tone seemed to get smaller and fragile.

Everything went on a slow motion and mute when the same man breathlessly approaches them.

"We found her."

* * *

I closed my eyes and took a deep sigh. I can feel my hands shaking as I held Brittany's journal. Her name written in the cover made my chest even tighter. The fear of reading everything she has written in there is like a big elephant dwelling inside me. The things she loves about me, she hates about me- it fucking scares me. Her plans about us, about us getting married, having a family and living happily.

I don't where to start.

I don't know how to start.

Everything what happened that night, once again flashed back.

Her body cold and limp. Her blonde locks weren't sprawled on my pillow neither hers, it's there candidly sprawled by the cold sand concealing its colour. Her pale skin got even paler, her lips- it wasn't the same pink lips I used to kiss- it is faint and pallid at the same time. And my tears it automatically stopped, my limbs it wasn't working, I got my mouth slightly ajar as I stared at her.

My mouth is dry and all the pain and exhaustion drawing my body. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say.

"No.. No.." that's the only words I muttered before I spun around and run until my feet hurt, I can hear their fading voices as they called after me, I don't know where am I going nor heading that moment. I can feel nothing but the loud whooshing of cold summer air whipping against my cheeks. There's no tears falling my eyes it felt dry as the image of Brittany appeared in my head. I just closed my eyes before letting my feet drag me away until everything went black.

"Hey. You ready? " Quinn muttered happily as she took the seat beside me. "You look awesome." She added.

My lips just formed a tight lip smile before I returned my eyes back to the notebook in my hand. There was an awkward silence between us as I once again lost myself in Brittany's memories.

"Who changed your bandage?" she asked thoughtfully as brought her fingers by my forehead.

"Tina did." I answered lowly running my fingers by the lid of the notebook. There were still remnants of salt water by the corner making the few words unreadable.

"Does it still hurt?" she questioned and I just slowly shook my head in response.

That night, all the pain and exhaustion disappeared when the lights from afar almost blinded me, and the last thing I know is that I thought I'm gone.

I'll be finally with her.

I thought so.

I hoped so.

"I hate myself." I choked out. I don't know where the tears came from though it just started to fall, even few dripped over the journal. Quinn sighed as she propped her knees and kneeled in front of me, both hands gripping my knees. "It's my fucking fault."

"Shhh." She cooed. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat but it seems to get bigger every time I did so making it more impossible for me to talk back. "You think she's happy seeing you like this? This got to be the last thing Brittany wanted to witness- you crying because of her."

"I shouldn't have left. I should have said I love her back. Because I do! I fucking do! She's my everything. Everything in me, it's her. Only her." I managed to say. My voice weren't that loud but I know to myself that's it's stern and enough to relate what I really feel.

"Everybody knows that San. And she knows that too. Listen to me." She muttered seriously as she held my chin and faced her. "She loves you and there's nothing she'll be wanting than to see you happy. Do you hear me?" she added sternly before dabbing the back of her hand by my cheeks. "It's not your fault. And I may have to strangle you if you'll ever say it again." She muttered as she let out a small chuckle before standing properly and motioning her arms to link with mine.

* * *

I took a deep breath before I took my first step. I held my coat even tighter as the cold wind blew, I can still even feel Quinn's grip on my hand as we made our way in here.

"You sure, you'll be okay in here?" Quinn asked and shoved her hand inside her coat.

I gave her a subtle nod before she leant and gave me a small hug and walked away. I held my breath as my eyes landed on the engraved letters of her name. My eyes automatically closed as her image and smile appeared inside my head, her laughter continued to blare in my ears and her soft butterfly kisses lingering on my skin. Her dark deep blue eyes staring right back at me, like she was just there, watching me.

"Hey Britt." I whispered. "I brought this with me." I added as I waved her journal onto the air and took a seat on the ground beside her grave.

My hands were probably white as I held her journal in my hand. I don't know why I bring it with me though. It's been a month since I have it but since then I never tried to read nor open it. I'm scared of what might be revealed inside it.

I shakily flipped the cover and let my eyes wander the first paragraph written. I can't help but let a small smile linger on my lips as her hand writing made its way to my eyes.

_I don't know what to write here. I just wanted to remember what happened on my first day in high school. So I almost lost it when Mr Schue said that we have to take a seat according to our last name, like seriously! But then… I get to sit with this brunette girl (Luckily here's no other last name between L and P) , she snapped on me when I asked her name, but whatever she's too pretty. I swear! Is it normal to admire other girls? But I don't think I just admire her though. _

_She's Santana by the way._

I found myself smiling giddily as I flipped on few more pages, the wind get to blow even colder causing the shiver to run down my spine.

_OMG! We joined Cheerios together, we even have the same song to do the routine with automatically making me blush a little when the music started and we both entered the gym. And oh! She called me 'B', today and it's pretty weird to have some butterflies inside my stomach( I have to ask my mom about that later) but it's pretty good too… and weird. I think I like Santana._

_PS: She's a really good dancer. _

I let out a chuckle when the memory of our try out flashed back. I can't help but held the journal even tighter as I flipped few more pages.

_My feet almost gave in when she offered her pinkie with mine, Seriously! I don't know what to do, I almost passed out. She just grip my hand and stick out my little finger and linked it with hers before dragging me out the hall, making those little butterflies transformed into unicorns inside my tummy. This is really really weird._

I held my breath as I try to remember every single thing she has written in here. Every detail she has said.

_I almost said no when Quinn asked me if I wanted to join Glee Club but when she told me that Santana will audition with us, I almost spit my drink in front of her and almost yelled 'Yes' on the top of my lungs. We sang Say a Little Prayer, Quinn leading the song. I really like it, I really do especially the part when my hand brushed with Santana's. Honestly? I haven't washed my hand yet. (I wish she won't read this, or she'll think I'm disgusting) _

_PS: She has an amazing voice. _

"Brittany." I let out a giggle as I took a glance on the cold marble reminiscing how her blue eyes stare back at me.

_OMG JOURNAL! I don't know where to start! Of course first I put alcohol on the scraped skin by my knees, I slipped on my way up here but whatever hell if I care! I'm so excited! We have our first slumber last night! And I don't fucking care about that slumber! Our lips touched! Our lips fucking touched! I don't know what the hell happened but there I found her face so close to mine. My chest! I swear my heart almost leapt out! I kissed few people back then, but her lips- I don't think there are enough words to describe the softness of it. Well it's more of a peck but whatever our lips touched. _

_She tensed after it though._

I swallowed dryly as I read the last sentence. I didn't know that she noticed how I reacted right after our lips touched. I thought I made a good act, well obviously I didn't.

_I don't think this is still appropriate to be written here. But I keep nothing in here so… it all started with this thing she calls 'sweet lady kisses' which led to something hotter and sexier. It'll be such bullcrap if I'll deny that I didn't like it. But when I tried to connect my eyes with her she just buried her head onto my neck and inhaled deeply riding the pleasure she has been on, not noticing the same euphoria neared mine. I wanted to say those words… those three words that has been dwelling inside me but I'm scared with what will she react. I'm scared to tell her I love her. _

I found the familiar lump in my throat as I finished the last words. Brittany was right, there'll be a big changes when I get the chance to read this. I'm such a bitch!

_I told her… I told her I love her._

_And she walked away, almost breaking my heart. Actually she did break it._

_She did._

And that's what it took for my tears to fall as I remember the exact words she said, the way her eyes flicker and those little diamonds that fell from her eyes when I just stared at her and walked away. Since the first day, I'm weak!

_I don't know what to do. She has been ignoring me, journal. I don't know how to talk to her and act as if nothing happened. I don't want to make her uncomfortable and make her think I'm not willing to pursue the friendship that we have. Of course I wanted to, it's just… I can't blame myself to crave something more than that. _

_I'm still in love with her and it's hard to think she dumped me once take note with just one look. _

I immediately dabbed my wrist as the tears continued to fall. I'm fucking stupid!

_I think this will be the happiest Valentine's Day ever! Santana just told me that she has been feeling the same way and she's just scared to tell me, because of the looks and talks. I don't care though! Important thing is she loves me! And I love her. We're together. _

_Even though it's still a secret for she wasn't out. _

_She promised me one thing though. _

_And I'll hold on to that. _

I flipped few more pages as I reached the last page – April 25th. It's been a month since this pen touched this paper since her fingers fiddled the sheets. Since her last thought were written in here. I hastily closed it as I remembered everything. I don't think I could read those.

April 25th

_I think there something Santana wanted to tell me usually with one look I would automatically know what she would like to say… but this time I can't read her. _

_Whatever it is though, I don't care. I have Santana. She's with me. Only thing I know is that I love her. _

_I know it's been a long time since she told me she loves me, it doesn't bother me though. I can feel her love and that's what the most important. _

_I love her._

_I love Santana._

"I love you, Brittany. I love you more than anything." I slowly muttered as the far most corner of the cemetery went black.

I propped my knees and tried to run away as the dark tried to chase after me. I can see Quinn from afar just watching me run and pant. I wanted to call her, I wanted to yell at her that she has to help me but my voice weren't working like normal, my throat felt dry from all the panting.

I slowed my pace when familiar voice blared through my ears.

"Santana." The voice called my name. I wanted to stop and spun around to give face on that familiar voice.

"San." The female voice called even louder. I completely stopped my trance and slowly spun around and I held my breath when my eyes landed on those deep blue eyes, pink lips and cheeks.

"Brittany." I mumbled breathlessly. I swallowed dryly as her image got even clearer, her blonde locks flowing gorgeously just like the last moment I saw her.

"Britt." I pleaded as I took a step towards her. My tears once again beginning to fall as I let her journal slide down my hand. I didn't even notice the same darkness getting nearer, all I can see is Brittany. And this time I won't let her go.

"Britt." I repeated. She just smiled before she took the opposite direction letting herself be drawn in the dark, I wanted to run after her, I do! "Brittany!" I choked and the darkness completely engulfed her.

I can feel the continuous shaking of my shoulder as the same voice continued calling my name. I slowly fluttered my eyes open revealing a still dark room, blond locks hovering my face as this person tried to wake me up.

"Santana." She repeated as she shook me. "Baby, you're having a nightmare." She muttered breathlessly.

I don't know what to think right now, her deep blue eyes staring back at me, her voice were real. Her lips it's calling my name. It's a dream. A fucking dream.

I propped my elbow before engulfing her in bone crashing hug, I immediately nuzzled my nose onto her hair letting myself lost in her scent- the coconut scent of her shampoo automatically calming me. "Britt. I love you." I pant as I grip her shoulders for dear life. "I won't let you go, I promise! Don't ever leave me like that." I added.

"San, can't breathe-" she complained instead I hugged her even tighter humming as her voice rang through my ears. I loosened the hug before crashing our lips together. I can feel her inhale sharply through her nose as she tried to kiss back.

"San, are you okay?" she questioned against my lips.

"You scared me." I said and just shook my head before connecting our lips once again. "I love you. I love you. I love you." I said between frantic kisses.

"I love you too."

* * *

"Hey Santana. Pick." Rachel muttered as she raised three flashcards in front of Santana.

Santana gave Brittany a questioning look as she held the blonde's hand even tighter. Brittany gave her a nod and a sweet smile making the Latina shrug and raised her hand and pointed on the 2nd flashcard between the other brunette's fingers.

"Wow. This is a good one." Rachel said enthusiastically.

"What?"

"What scares you the most?"

* * *

A/N: Woa! Let me know (: I'm so fucking scared to upload this because of the sexy times. LOL! Gimme some of those thoughts guys!


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